


I need some courage, some help. (Maybe you're what I need)

by CreativeDuck



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, It's quite descriptive so don't read if you are triggered by it, M/M, Self Harm, Swearing, blood mention, definitely positive, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 11:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2730512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreativeDuck/pseuds/CreativeDuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thoughts can be dangerous, thoughts can cause more than mental pain as Ryan is fully acquainted with. His form of release is unhealthy and no one can know about it. Not even his five boyfriends. </p>
<p>Problem is one of them already knows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I need some courage, some help. (Maybe you're what I need)

**Author's Note:**

> ATTENTION! In case you didn't read the tags, this story contains descriptive mentions of self harm and blood so if you are triggered by this or uncomfortable with this please take note and read at your own discretion. Be safe!

It was never suppose to get this bad. It was a last resort for those times when the whole world all just got too much for him. A simple release. Yet as he stared at the scars littering his upper thighs he felt disgust and shame. A glance at the bathroom door that lead to the room where the loves of his life were sleeping blissfully unaware of the mental torment he was going through. That bed was suppose to be a safe haven, those strong arms of the men he loved were suppose to mean comfort yet here he was with his trusty blade in his hand and the bandages laid out next to him in preparation for the wounds to come. He had tried to fight it, to explain to the other men that he was feeling this way but the words always caught in his throat. It wasn't that he didn't think that they wouldn't care it was more that he didn't want to be a burden on their already hectic lives of content, conventions and personal issues. Everyone else dealt with their issues separately for the most part and so should he. 

The blade felt like safety like a twisted version of child’s cuddly toy they would use when they thought creatures went bump in the night. He positioned the blade over one of the oldest scars, ready to reopen it. Ryan took a deep breath and sliced carefully and slowly, feeling every inch of the pain with a strange sense of euphoria. To him the pain was bliss as he focused on the way the feeling seemed to course through his entire being, settling the damaging thoughts that circled his head. All his insecurities, worries and fears melted away as a the wave of relief washed over his mind as he cut into the scar tissue on his thigh. His mind was overcome with a mist of calm. After a few minutes the mist was getting lighter as the initial cut had done his job and then came the second cut. With this came more relief as the haze return over his mind allowing Ryan to relax fully for the first time in what seemed like months. 

Two cuts, that was enough for tonight. Even after weeks of nothing Ryan never felt like he had to binge on his habit, satisfaction came in small numbers for him. Quality over quantity. The two slashes were deep and long, causing deep red trails to form at either side of the new openings on his thigh. Grabbing a dark washcloth he lightly cleaned the wounds, disinfected and dressed them. After making sure the bathroom was free from any evidence of his secret salvation he return to his spot at this edge of the large bed next to Gavin. 

Ryan was always an early riser, especially after one of his sessions. He woke feeling refreshed and so much better. Geoff was just beginning to stir at the other end of the bed. He was always up around this same time as Ryan. As Ryan sat up slowly in bed, as to not disturb Gavin, he decided to forgo showering this morning as it would be a pain to redress the deep wounds on his legs. 

In the kitchen he began the process of making himself and Geoff some fresh coffee knowing that no doubt the older man would be downstairs in a few minutes, he could hear the pipes whir around the house. A telltale sign that someone was taking a shower. The coffee machine was singing to Ryan as he whistled the stupid song that the lads were playing on repeat last night. The sun was warm and inviting as it lightly graced the large kitchen with its light. The mornings after for Ryan tend to be some of the best mornings, his shameful little habit had the same effect as a good relaxing massage. He would start to regret it later in the week as he stared at the plethora of scars on his thighs but for now everything was perfect. 

Geoff created him with a groan and a light kiss as a thank you for the mug of coffee that was handed to him. 

"What are you so smiley about?" 

"Just had a good night's sleep, that's all" Ryan replied, honestly his sleep was as broken and light as normal but Geoff didn't need to know the true reason for his happiness. One by one the boys filed in from the bedroom in various states of awake. Gavin as always was already fully awake whereas Ray looked like being awake was the worst thing that could be happening to him right now. Ryan hummed happily as he fetched them all their preferred morning drinks and finally settling down next the a half asleep Michael to check for email updates on his iPad. Michael leaned against him slightly as his body was still catching up with the notion of being awake and Ryan smiled warmly. 

Within the hour everyone was more awake and ready as they left for work in the two cars. Ryan sat in the passenger seat listening to Michael and Gavin bickering already as the fiery redhead drove towards the office. Geoff was in front with Jack and Ray. On a normal day Ryan might have been wishing to be in that car but not today. Today was perfect. 

For now. 

Ryan could help the feeling that Michael was being weird with him. He kept casting strange looks at him, halfway between angry and concerned. It was worrying. What had he done? As Ryan slowly edited a video he couldn't help the swarm of bad thoughts that swirled around his head. Michael was fine with him at breakfast, how had he upset him? Did he take a joke too far? There wasn't suppose to be self-deprecating thoughts this early after a session, everything was supposed to be great for at least two days. After that the menacing thoughts and feelings would still seep slowly through his mind. His hand absentmindedly strayed to his thighs and he starting to rub against the wounds to help calm himself. He was in a small haze for the time being so he didn't notice Michael's eyebrows furrow. Michael all but stormed out of the room but no one really took any notice. When Ryan came back from his daze he noticed the missing Michael and breathed a small sigh of relief and honestly in the zone of editing he forgot about it for the most part. Michael came back into the office after a few minutes and everything went back to normal. They filmed a couple of let play's, Gavin tried to coerce Geoff into doing a dumb prank against Burnie and Michael seemed to have gotten over whatever it was that Ryan had done. 

It was the end of the day and everyone bar Gavin and Jack were getting ready to leave, they were on the podcast tonight so the four remaining men were being driven home by Geoff and Jack was taking Gavin when they were done. Ryan was feeling good still and was looking forward to relax at home. The journey back was filled with Ray complaining about this one achievement he was struggling to get and Geoff was trying to reassure him that he would get it. Michael was joking that as soon as Ray started up the Xbox at home he would have the achievement within an hour and Ryan was content to let the sounds of three of his boyfriends surround him. 

Once home Geoff immediately started preparing dinner for the four of them as Gavin and Jack would be eating pizza on the podcast. As always Geoff would prepared too much for the four of them but it didn't matter because Jack would eat the leftovers when they got back, Gavin would eat his a little later when he realised that 3 slices of pizza wasn't enough to fill his stomach. Ray was on the Xbox trying for that achievement, Michael had disappeared upstairs so Ryan decided to settle in the small home office they had to play some games that he knew would come up on the Patch. Everything was still going well and the day was as normal as any other day, despite what Ryan had done last night. 

Ryan sat blissfully unaware of the storm that was brewing a few doors down from him. He sat and play his game for about 20 minutes uninterrupted before Michael joined him in the small office. At first he didn't say or do anything, just stood behind Ryan watching him navigate through the game in silence. Honestly it gave Ryan a weird feeling, Michael was never normally this quiet, he even mumbled in his sleep and all the memories of Michael's odd behaviour towards him from earlier that day came flooding back. 

"You just going to stand there like a ghost or you going to say what you want to say?" Ryan didn't stop his game or turn to look at the younger man behind him. Michael didn't reply, just stood there before placing a small box on the table that made Ryan's breath hitch in his throat. His mind immediately filled with excuses and lies that would try and deter Michael from the truth but it was too late. They both knew what laid inside that box and there was no backing out now. 

"You just going to stay quiet or are you going to fucking tell me what's going on?" 

Ryan swiveled round in his chair to look at Michael 

"I don't suppose we could not talk about it?" Ryan replied with a sheepish smile. 

"Seriously Ryan. You going to try that?" 

"I guess not. Look Michael it's my own problem I'll deal with it." 

"Deal with it! You're not fucking dealing with anything. Cutting yourself up it not fucking dealing with it!" 

Sighing Ryan gestured towards the door. “Can we at least shut the door if you going to shout it out for the whole house to hear?” 

Michael clenched his fists at his side and stormed over to the door. Ryan's apathetic attitude towards this conversation was pissing him off but it definitely wasn't fair to have the house pounce on him. 

“So?” Michael stood in front of the door, arms crossed in front of him. 

“It’s just a weakness of mine okay? It’s not a big deal alright?” 

“It is a big deal Ryan.” 

“No it’s not and honestly I don’t feel like it’s any of your business.” Ryan was fully aware that it was Michael’s business, not just because when Michael would make it his business anyway but because he was fully aware that you shared emotions with your loved ones. He had always been aware of this. It didn't stop him though. 

“Oh not my business? So it’s not my business that one of the men I love is hurting? that he feels so lost that he would cut himself?” Ryan refused to back away from this now. He didn't want sympathy or help, everything worked out this way. It worked so well so why change it? 

Looking Michael straight in the eye he bravely replied with “No.” 

Michael stared at Ryan, mouth force into a thin line so tightly Ryan could see his lips paling at the pressure. He could feel anger and frustration emanating form the lad. 

“Okay. Fine be that way. You know what Ryan, you’re suppose to share with us if you’re feeling shitty, if you’re feeling like everything is shattering around you. We here to help you, to love you. Not to just stand here while you isolate yourself, hiding yourself away from the rest of us when all we want is for you to be happy.” 

Ryan finally looked away from his stared down with Michael. He knew that. He fucking knew all of that but hearing coming from someone else was different. He felt shame and disgust in himself all over again, subconsciously his reached for his thigh, to squeeze it, touch it, anything that would give him some pain, some release from feeling like this. 

“Stop that!” Ryan hands paused hovered over the fabric of his jeans. “Don’t. Just don’t fucking do that.” The normally confident sounding voice of Michael was broken with raw emotion. Ryan looked up at him. His eye’s were glistening in the light of the office, showing the emotion building up, not quite threatening to spill tears but the beginnings of them were there. The idea he was causing the usually strong man to well up was suffocating. He wanted so badly to rubbing against his cuts under his jeans, hard and fast causing the them to open up and spill fresh blood over his skin but he didn't. Instead he released a shaky sigh and place his hands away from the afflicted area. 

Michael moved quickly to kneel in front of the sitting man. They stared at each other for a few moments. 

“Let me see.” 

“No” It was an automatic response, no one was ever suppose to see them, ever. No one but himself. They were his problem, his issue not Michael’s. 

“Ryan.” The stern tone cause Ryan to flinch slightly. 

“Okay.” Michael gestured for the man to stand up so he could pull his pants down. Ryan was drained, he couldn't do it. Too afraid that he would just break down and flee any way that he could so he gave up all control he had remaining in the situation. Once the pants were off Michael started unraveling the bandages that graced Ryan’s thigh. The elder of the two winced slightly as the final layer stuck to the wounds with dried up blood. Michael muttered a barely audible apology but Ryan shook his head. It wasn't his fault. 

Michael took in the sights of the two straight cuts only now lightly scabbing over, small beads of blood appear on the cuts from the bandage being removed. Ryan could feel the brown eyes that he loved looking into roaming over the discoloured lines that ran almost perfect parallel with each other on each of his thighs. 

“It’s not that bad see? Only two.” 

Michael looked up at him with a small amount of disbelief covering his features. 

“Not that bad Ry? There’s at least 20 scars over each leg!” 

“They’re old, it’s much better than it used to be. Only two” He repeated trying to emphasise the part where he had only done two cuts recently. He had improved a fair amounts from his younger years. Years spent marring the same spot over and over again until his vision blurred and he had to stop.

"Ryan any amount of cuts is not good. Hurting yourself is not an answer. It's a problem. It's a pretty fucking big one too." 

"It's my problem not yours." Ryan was repeating himself, he knew that but he would deal with this, Michael just didn't understand, no one would understand and how can you help someone if you can't understand it. 

"Stop fucking saying that. It's all of our problems. We are all in this together and you need some help. You keep saying that it's your problem but but that's not how this works. You are hurting Ryan, I don't know what your issues are but it's causing you pain and I can't stand that. I can't stand the thought that you are locking yourself away inside your own head, swimming in the thoughts that caused you to do this to yourself. You are better than this. Better than resorting to pressing a blade to your skin and slicing away your problems, the blood doesn't get rid of your emotions no matter how good you think it feels, it doesn't just magically leak your problems away as it flows! It makes things worse, so much worse and I know you can't see it but trust me it fucking does." 

Ryan stared at the boy. He was looking away now but Ryan could tell that those tears had finally fallen. The way Michael spoke about it rooted Ryan to his seat, frozen in a terrible realisation. Michael knew. Michael knew how it felt which disturbing accuracy. His heart sank to his stomach at the thought. Only someone who had experienced it could describe it with so much imagery. That amount of emotion didn't just come from nothing, it came from knowledge. The type of knowledge that could only come from an horrible intimacy with a blade and dark thoughts. 

"Michael?" It was barely a whisper but Michael heard it. He looked up at Ryan, tears tracks staining his freckled cheeks. 

"I know okay. Just.” He took a moment to take a deep breath. “I'm not here to talk to you about that, another time maybe but right now I need to help you. I'm living proof that you can get past this. That you don't have to do this. You can stop. It can stop." 

"But.." 

"No Ryan, no buts. Just one step at a time, I will help you." Ryan saw the sincerity in his eyes. Could he stop? He had tried before so many times but he always failed. He didn't know how to deal with life without it but…

Ryan stared at Michael taking in the sight of the desperation to help him in his body language and the tears drying up on his face. Michael did it right? Well if Michael could do it surely he could. 

"Okay." Michael grinned at him. It was the first time since he entered the room that he had smiled and strangely it gave Ryan hope, a little light inside his heart. 

They stayed like that for a bit longer, Michael sitting on the floor in front of Ryan just smiling at each other, when Geoff called out that dinner was ready. 

"Right let's go get our eat on Rye-bread. I am fucking starving." Michael walked towards the door expecting Ryan to be following him. 

"Hey Michael?" 

"Hmm?" He turned around to see Ryan just standing up from the computer chair. He was grabbing the box and the discarded bandages, tucking them discretely in the bottom draw of the desk. Hidden from sight until he could come back and hide them more appropriately. 

"Can you not say anything about this to the others, not just yet" 

Michael frowned briefly before softening his feature. Having someone find out was one thing but actually telling them for yourself was a completely different game. Never mind telling 4 people. 

"Yeah, but you'll have to tell them one day." Ryan nodding following Michael towards the delicious cooking of one G.L. Ramsey. 

Dinner went as usual, lots of dick jokes and chattering. Ryan felt okay, honestly he was scared. Scared of failing because now he would be actually disappointing someone else, someone important but as he looked next to him at Michael who was laughing loudly at Ray he felt that small light again, that hope. And when Michael smiled back at him, well he could do just about anything.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first completed RT/AH fic. Honestly I tend to write happier fics most of the time but this piece was in a way a self-indulgent story that I wanted to write to help myself with my own issues. It's part of a new thing I'm trying. 
> 
> Anyone I hope I didn't totally destroy this guys' personas. Characterisation can be difficult especially with something like this. I may write a companion piece for this with Michael side of the story, but I also might not because I am lazy trash when it come to writing.


End file.
